My initial instinct was to help the cat as it swam around in circles but part of me just wanted to watch and see what happened next. I knew it would die but I didn’t know how exciting and terrifyingly ecstatic it could make me feel! I was 5 years old.
I had a fairly normal upbringing I suppose until I was about 6 years old when all of a sudden mum got sick of dad beating her with whatever he could get hold of or his bare hands if nothing was within arm’s reach.
It wasn’t 100% his fault, the drink made him do it he told me, the demon in the bottle would make him do all sorts for horrible things to mum. Once he beat her unconscious and then raped her on the floor while I watched. I sat with her until she awoke but he had done so much damage both physically and mentally over those 6 years that I can remember that she just gave up. She put me to bed and then hung herself in the bathroom with the sash from her dressing gown. I found her that night when I had to go for a wee, and I sat on the toilet seat looking at her dark cyan lips and pale blue / purple bloated face with veins bulging at the temples. It was almost surreal but when mum died all her bodily functions let loose, the pool of vial viscera and blood on the floor under her was gross even to a 6 year old that still picked his nose and ate it.
Dad then decided that he would give up the drink but we all know how that turned out don’t we. I would live on whatever food I could find because as a good drunk dad never ate, just killed him slowly with beer, vodka and scotch. I looked my room and ran away when it got really bad and waited until morning. Elizabeth was not the place to be alone as a pre teen boy after midnight, but I fell in with a bad crowd who taught me to steal and coz I was small I could fit through window openings and fences easily to let the others in. Only one problem here – I got caught and sent to reform school, it was ok on the whole at least I had clean cloths and a clean bed with 3 meals a day but I was gang raped by a bunch of 13 yr olds pretty much every day for a week and then my survival instincts kicked in so I would shit myself each morning and sit in it each day so they wouldn’t fuck my ass but it took me 6 months before I bit off the ring leaders cock, they left me alone then.
Solitary is a great place to dream of all sorts of things and by the time I was 13 myself I had spent time in and out of McNally’s juvenile detention centre. I would sit and think of ways to get back at everyone who had hurt me, but I noticed that when I had these thoughts it had a side effect which made my cock so fucking hard I sometimes masturbated until It bled and I came with the thought of tying them up and beating or doing other things to them like they did to me.
My favourite fantasy back then was tying one of the boys who up who used to rape me and stick his penis in a meat grinder and grind it off while he was awake and then slide a round cheese grater up his ass and fuck him until his ass was blood red and the screams stopped. Then take his ground up cock and feed it to him while he pleaded and died. Wow I could shoot across the room with that one.
I spent my time running away from abusive foster parents and committing petty crime. It was about this time I found out that girls had nice parts to play with so I found a street girl and payed her 20 bucks to show me her boobs and pussy in a side street off Hindley, wow boobs were great and I tried to cop a feel but she screamed and I was put up on a charge of rape. I didn’t realise but at the time there was a legal loophole that if you did the adult crime you did the adult time, but I managed to get a good judge who believed me in that I paid her for a look and she tried to get me in trouble as she was a known street kid to the cops and I was a newbie as far as this sort of stuff.
I stopped and got a job as an apprentice mechanic in a service station with an old guy called Tom Chaney but everyone around knew him as Big block or Biggy! 6 feet 6 inches of muscle that looked as intimidating as it sounded. Biggy was a great mechanic and even a better teacher, but not all his lessons were about cars and bikes. You see Biggy was a front for the FINKS and his best mate Toe Joe owned the 7 Roses tattoo parlour in Hindley Street.
I asked toe Joe once how he got his knick name and it appears a shotgun blast did the damage to his right big toe and he had it removed. The guy who shot him though went one better and was removed from existence. Toe Joe laughed when he told me and said he still had the toe in a jar for good luck.
Now I put my head down, earned my trade and went back to school at nights but I was still messed up and every now and then when the Finks were up for trouble I would tag along.
In a retaliation and payback hit we picked up the brother of a guy that bashed one of the head mans sons, Terry. He thinks it was the Bandito’s
Now Terry was not your usual FINK but he was the son of the boss so he was ok. A bit fragile but as sharp as a whip with money and the Finks needed all the help here they could get.
We grabbed this guy out back of the White Horse inn and beat him good – not too much so to inflict any real permanent damage but to send a message. Biggy left me to tidy up and ensure he got to where he could be found.
In hindsight this was really a bad mistake, and I blame Biggy for that, because I made sure he was going to give me what I wanted. Years of pent up anger, beatings and rape, hatred and lust – not just sexual but blood lust that I could not wait to get into, and no-one around to stop me!
I looked this guy straight in the bloodshot eyes he now sported from the beating and crying he was doing. I told him the Finks were pussy’s compared to me and that he would go down in the history books as the first real reason I existed and that he should make peace with himself while I got ready. With that he pissed his pants and I watched as his jeans darkened at the front. “Oh no we will have to cut them off now wont we”. “Can’t have you being found in pissy pants, can we”.
I pulled out my knife a very sharp throwing knife I had had since I was in reform school. It was beautifully weighted and it was just a joy to hold.
Cutting of his pants I sometimes missed and nicked the skin, crimson fluid pooling on the surface near each scratch on his legs until I managed to do the job right.
I informed this young man that I was going to insert myself in his arse and if he shat I would replace my cock with my beautiful sharp weapon. It was not sexual you see it really wasn’t! I am not gay I just wanted to remove every last ounce of dignity he had, Just as those bastards had done to me in McNally’s all those years ago.
He pleaded with me, offered me money, women, drugs but I was too far gone and I plunged myself into him and pushed his face down in the dirt, calling him a whore and my bitch the whole time, it wasn’t until I actually came in his arse that I realised I felt sexually charged. I hadn’t had much of anything really in my life so far some paid for pussy at times but no real girlfriend a couple at the bike clubrooms that Big would make suck me off.
He bucked and I fell off and landed on my elbow slicing the thin skin around the bone.
I lost it, rolled him over and cut him from ball sack to throat, it was a deliberate cut beautiful and straight one cut no jagged edges and no restarts. I watched his face as I cut him and held him close to my lips and whispered shhhhh its ok and rocked him back and forth like mum used to do to me if I was scared. He gurgled and jolted but as I fished around inside of his body I could feel the life leaving, I held his heart in my hand as it made its last beat. I laid him down and pulled out his organs one at a time and laid his intestines out and sliced off the small intestine where it exits the body and dragged it away from a lifeless lump that was once a human, now my plaything. I had heard the intestines were long but man I didn’t understand just how long. The stench was somewhat intense but the coppery blood smell made it bearable. I cut his face so it would be hard to recognise him and sliced off his fingertips with my knife.
“:OOOOOO” - Teeth I heard in my head as if played back from a recording i had heard and saved just for now. I had to remove the teeth!
Ah a rock the size of his head was laying just a little way away but that was only good for the front 6 or 8 teeth as I bashed it into the flesh and bone, so I improvised with the base of my knife to smash them out and cut away from gum to remove fully. Boy this was taking forever, but as a fist time killer I thought it best not to forget a thing.
That did it now I was thinking of all sorts of things – Tattoos and yes he had plenty so what I couldn’t slice off I cut the entire limb off. Left arm and lower right leg, now in a pile next to the rock I used to bash his teeth loose.
“Have you ever tried to cut through bone?” well let me tell you it’s fucking hard so again with rock and knife all done.
Then I remembered I fuck his ass without a condom and a panic came over me “what if he has aids” So I stabbed him again just in case. But semen can be used to track me from my arrest records probably and DNA profiled – fingerprints and all sorts. Now I’m scared.
I cut his rectum out and placed it with the arm and leg portion off to the side.
I went and got my bike unclipped the fuel line and drained out some petrol so I could burn this fucker.
WOOSH up he went and I was gone!
After I was done I went home got a garbage bag from the garage placed all my clothes in it and sealed it with the inbuilt handy tie carry handles. Such a fantastic design and easy to use as well, those handle straps are strong and make for an easy way to get rid of the bad things. I placed the removed body parts on plastic sheeting on my bench top in the kitchen and covered them with an old table cloth I kept from mums place. It was ornate white cotton with lace trim and now slowly forming blooms of red that formed like small fireworks all over at random placement and speed.
I worked my way into my shower and made the water as hot as I dared, feeling the hot almost burning water run down my back and face. I soaped up and as I washed off gore and blood I felt my cock stiffen as I remembered what I had done. I came in a shudder that left my knees weak and my head spinning. “WOW” now that was a rush.
It’s at this point that a normal man would cry and break down, cry or blubber about what I had done, but I didn’t I looked in the mirror and the man who looked back at me was different somehow, more confident, carefree and I smiled as I shaved and thought about Snow white and whistled while I worked.
I got myself all sorted new clothes and what not all clean and smelled nice. But I had to get rid of the evidence I still had in the kitchen and my clothes. I started up my big pot and placed the arm and leg section in salted boiling water and let it boil slowly for about 2 hrs making sure the pot didn’t boil dry. I remembered mum doing a lamb casserole and she said if you cook meat on the bone slowly for a longer period it just falls off the bone. She was right I just plucked those little suckers out the pot and placed them in an old hessian bag I had stashed in the shed. The arse section I placed in with the cooked meat and when it was finished I mixed it up with some readymade gravy and took it in for Biggy’s Rotty “Killer”. Lets hop he likes lickin’ someone else’s arse!
The bones I smashed up with a brick to dust and buried the bag in the bottom of a woollies bin. All in a nights work, a big yawn and the knowledge that a good sleep always fixed everything.
As I slept the actions of the night replayed in my mind and I stirred constantly, in awe and amazed that I could do such things. The great part was, I didn’t give a rats about what I had done and I was hoping I covered my tracks well enough! It was my first and I certainly didn’t want it to be my last.
I drove to work with my lunch and Killers in separate containers, walked in through the front door as was greeted with!
“DAVE”! “What did you do” Biggy was all agitated.
“What you on about Big” I said with an air of arrogance in my tone.
“It’s all over the news you dumb fuck” “they have found a body where we were last night all messed with, burnt and cut up” “What did you do?”
Now Biggy was getting a little out of hand and started calling me all sorts of names as well as dumb and stupid just like that pathetic excuse for an old man I had!
So! I stabbed him in the throat and that shut him the fuck up!
He staggered back and hit the floor as he slipped on his own blood that was spurting out of his ruined throat. It was almost funny, actually it was funny watching him dance around on the slippery cold grey concrete floor and then fall back on his big only to hit his head on the exhaust outlet of a big block Chevy motor.
With a thud he hit the deck and it reminded me of watching a fish out of water gasping for air and sliding around on the floor knowing it’s going to die from lack of water and oxygen.
“Sorry Big” “I don’t like being called names ok and now you’re going to die and I’m going to disappear with your old XA falcon and all your cash in the safe. The cops will think it’s a robbery and not having a weapon they will think it was a retaliation hit especially when the cops find the teeth in your pocket from that wanker I had fun with last night”
I said goodbye and left whistling my new favourite tune.
I forged my name on a sale paper for the ford as payment and waited until midday and went to work as if I had been out on an errand. The cops were all over the place and other Finks were there. The cops asked me where I was and I gave them the docket from the Repco store on Payneham road for some touch up paint and brake pads.
The cop asked me if I had seen anything at all this morning and I said I did see a late model black commodore parked on a side street with someone in it as I left but it was Croydon after all and there is always wogs parked in cars looking for trouble.
I spoke with Toe Joe and spike, Joe’s left hand and said I didn’t tell the cops but it defiantly was the Bandito’s.
Toe gave me $500 bucks and told me to fuck off for a while. So I did, I drove myself to Whyalla about 4 hrs away North West.
This place had Great fishing and plenty of work with the mines booming and mechanics willing to work in the country a premium. For a while I just blended in and became a local. I had a great unit all to myself, my car and the pay from the mines was awesome but the hrs long. I had no time to think about anything other than work and sleep, just what the doctor ordered.
Then there was the most beautiful girl called Heidi a young German girl who settled with her father and step mother in Whyalla after her mum died 10 years ago. Heidi was great fun and taught me allot about what guys and girls get up to and I learnt to love getting a blowy and giving it back in kind. I used to bite her labia and she went nuts as I nibbled on her pink purse.
This went on for about 2 years and I had cash and a good reputation now as a mechanic as I opened my own shop and spent the next 2 years living like a normal person.
Wouldn’t you know as well as changing my life for better, Heidi held the secret to my relapse back into the darkness that I crawled out of since my first killing and the ultimately regrettable killing of Biggy.
As time went on I realised I was falling for her, she was pretty, attentive, and never spoke down to me. I loved her mostly for that reason as Heidi was teh first and only person (to date) that had treated me like a normal human being.
But one hot dusty February night she returned home late from a night out with girlfriends and had blood on her dress. I quizzed her she said she fell but I knew it was more than that. She had been pushed or hit, the left side of her lip still swollen from some altercation that had obviously just previously occurred. “It’s nothing” she said as I asked. So if it’s nothing! What happened? “I will find out you know” I said to her
“It was Ben the guy from the fishing boats, he was a bit pissed and I told him to leave me alone and it just got a little out of hand, but its ok we all left”
I was just glad she was ok coz my mind was going around in circles swimming with anger and dark thoughts. It had been years since I had even brought these to the surface in my mind. I had learned that I didn’t need to kill to get off or enjoy life but now this Ben guy goes and fucks it all up and now it’s his fault I gotta kill him!
I left it for a few days, watched him learnt his patterns where he went what he did, when he was alone. And then on day 5 it happened, the fishing boat he was on was empty but for him cleaning up fish guts and chum and all sorts of nasty crap.
The air was moist and full of fish but a gentle cool breeze made hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I gave a little “woohooo” sound to myself. I was ready and I strangely didn’t feel nervous or anything, the little voice in my head was saying “I think fish and Chips would be great for tea”.
“Ben” I whispered from the ships hold.
Again, but this time drawn out a little, like you do when you want to talk to someone who’s sleeping. “Who’s there” he said
“It’s your conscience” I whispered again. “Here to set you straaahhhate”
“Stop fucking around Steve” he said as he slowly lent down into the hold. He saw my eyes glaring back at him first then he felt the gaff hook slice through the soft underside of his bottom jaw and penetrate through his tongue and out of his mouth.
The blood was sparse at this stage but as I pulled him down into the hold I heard his lower jaw give way slightly and his protests were a garbled expression of vowels and grunts.
That’s when it happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I heard my name the same way as I had whispered to Ben. But this voice was not outside it seemed to be in my head!
Ben moved so I pulled the gaff and that managed to shut him up as he passed out with pain.
“Who are you” I said
A flash of darkness, movement to my left as if it was following the dark shadows inside the hold. Darting around the light that leaked into the open space like a vampire hiding from morning sunlight.
The shapeless movement stopped and I focused on where it was. It was like looking into a jet black kaleidoscope with movement all over shifting form and then back again like a dark pool of oil gliding around in a state of flux.
As I leaned in it leapt at me as I moved my head into the deep shadow where it was hiding. My instincts took over and I pulled back into the light and it screamed in my head as I felt it retract away from me.
“You needs me David” “I needs you” “can’t you feels the energy between us” “mmmmmmmmmm I can feels your rage and needs to hurts and lust”
“What the fuck are you?” I said aloud.
“If yous lets me I will be yous”
This is some weird shit I thought to myself coz this wasn’t someone talking to me it was someone talking as me in my head.
“What’s in it for me” “How do I know you wont just kill me whatever you are?”
“No Kills David, David hosts to Minsha”
“Ok what do I get, if I let you in my head?”
“David gets my power, my lust, my hate, my needs and my help to not be caughts by police mans”
“Minsha has friends’ alls over worlds to helps and guide David”
Well what’s to lose I had already lost my friggin’ mind so it seemed, so I stepped into the darkness of the shadow and let it envelope me.
I felt like someone had put me in a giant washing machine closed the lid poured in black brain tar and hit spin! My senses reeled and I felt dizzy but could swear I was floating, felt sick but also strong, anger was rising but not my anger not quick acting burst and then oh well anger but a timeless seething gnawing anger that can only be quenched by a millennia of hate. My blood went cold as Ice, and then boiled all in one heartbeat. I swaggered into the light like a Lion that had just devoured his foe had sex with all the lionesses and pissed on a hyena for good luck.
Oh man If I wasn’t a schizophrenic before I felt like it now. This menace had just made good friends with my mind and I felt like I was seeing out of two sets of eyes.
I looked down at the passed out shape of Ben and my other self giggled as I picked him up by using the gaff as a lifting device. A muffled scream and the pain shot him awake again. I think he was saying No No No No but who cared anyway.
I tied his arms up and lifted him into the air hanging by his wrists his weight was now pulling at his shoulder sockets. The sight was just too much and I stripped Ben naked. The other me went mmmmmmm and took out my knife.
“Should we haves some throwing practice”
Oh this thing is good “you read my mind”
“I am your mind”
The first throw went low and slid into his left Quadriceps muscle and imbedded in bone.
The second shot was better Belly button – woohoo I said aloud then shushing myself and forgetting where I was. Poor old Ben he shit himself which is so predictable, next time I am going to shove something up their ass before I kill them!!
The third shot I let Minsha take over. It was like I was there with all the sensations and the thoughts but another me was also there an older wiser me who had done it all before.
Beautiful shot right in the thorax and the blade protruded out through the back of the neck severing his spinal cord. His head lolled back and forward like a bobble head in a comic shop as the blood gushed out the wounds. We mentally high fived each other as I walked over and removed the blade from Bens neck. Oh he’s dead! So I slit him from ball sack to sternum and watched his insides fall outside.
Minsha made me walk over and bath in gore and blood that ran from the lifeless body. I stripped and masturbated in the blood and guts and fucked a section of the intestines. My climax was fucking out of this world it felt like my whole body reached climax not just my ball sacks. I collapsed and I think I passed out for a few seconds while a regained composure.
“Minsha likes David as hosts” “wes going to haves fun yous and me”
I agreed and then skinned Ben took the head off and made sure I had all fingers flayed and no prints anywhere.
My other self then opened my eyes to a new world and I could see all evidence I had been there and spent the next 30 mins cleaning and bagging up what I needed to take with me.
This is going to be fun you and me Minsha!
“yesssssss it issssss”© All books / Shorts / Poetry copyright of Graeme Hawke (and all nom deplumes) plagiarising is punishable by law